Today's struggle

Today has been the most unproductive day I have had in a long while. I couldn't settle to the editing of Kate's Choice today. There's a lot going on inside this head of mine and really I must do a brain dump.

When life is a struggle, perhaps this is the solution.

When life is a struggle, perhaps this is the solution.

It started off well enough with me proofreading a client's work, but then half an hour into that a huge wave of tiredness overcame me and I fell asleep. It wasn't because the manuscript was boring. It was one of the most interesting manuscripts I've read in a while. So what happened? I have no idea what happened. I fell asleep and slept for an hour and a half and then again this afternoon the same thing happened. Yep, I was working at my computer and I fell asleep for an hour and a half. So the sleeping fairy has been and I am now feeling alert when it is time for dinner. Maybe tonight I will be working into the long dark hours. We'll see ....

So I have marked my diary that today was 'a slow writing' day. By about ten o'clock this morning I knew it was going to be one of those days, so I put the manuscript aside and decided to put effort into research and marketing. Spending the day in this way has been beneficial to some degree, but still I struggled to stay focused.

What is really at the root of my unsettled state is me trying to make a decision on where I want to live the rest of my life. I have lived in a lot of places and I would think the decision would be quite easy. The problem is that there are too many choices and I'm a little fearful of making the wrong one. The positive in all of this is that I can write from anywhere. So what's the problem?

Going to a new community is the problem. Most people are happy in their friendly surrounds and are in sync with those wonderful people around them. Enter Laura, and the dynamics will probably change. Will they accept me for being me, the person who just wants to be like everyone else, but she likes to hide away and put words on paper or screen for days at a time and then all of sudden she comes out into the sunshine wanting to be with people after her hibernation. Sometimes I think it would have been easier being a bear. Hibernating for all those months would probably have suited me. 

Throughout my life I have learned I'm an inside outside person, meaning I like being indoors by myself writing and creating to my heart's content. Then there are the days that I want to get out into the sunshine and play with everyone. I understand I won't always sync with others in the same way. I have tried to adjust my lifestyle and be more structured in my approach to fit in with others. It has been a bumpy road where I have disappointed many and frustrated others and slowly they have fallen by the wayside. It is only my staunchest friends who have stayed loyal and worked toward understanding me. Thank you so much, dear ones. Incidentally, these dearest ones live out of town as does my son and extended family. We survive on phone calls. Are you getting the picture? If I live close to those dearest to me I just wonder how that will be. Personally, I think it would be wonderful being able to see them face to face more often.

Maybe they won't like that? Eeek, I would hate to intrude on their personal time! I would hate them to think, 'Oh no, here she comes again! Lock the door!' I've decided I need to find balance in my expectations of where I want to live. I need writing time, I need family time and I need friends time. With this in mind I will continue to search for my ideal home in the shape of a writer's cottage, since it is only me and maybe my first ever cat or dog to keep me company. I've never had a cat or dog because my life was too busy. It's still busy, but now that I live alone there might just be a space in my heart for a furry friend.

Fortunately, I have a new friend who is also looking for her final place to live. On Thursday we are going out together to explore and hopefully, I will be able to say this is where I want to live. We'll see ...

Thank you for reading this far dear one. Hopefully the decision is not too far away. My lease expires in May, so I have four months to find a place. I will keep you posted on the progress.

Tomorrow is a new day...I wonder what it will bring ....